My folly and weakness on display as much as it has ever been.
It seems there is no end to my self-deception,
My false trappings I love, they coddle me from the truth of my vulnerability ... or so I think.
But here I am, in one of those moments where I am exposed,
Seeing as clearly as ever my beloved and chosen deceptions for what they are.
What will I do with it?
Will I be quick to try to rebuild the facade?
Will I refuse the invitation to life more vulnerable, more clear eyed?
or Will I step into the light that exposes me,
Out of the shadows, the familiar corners where I have been at home with my hiding.
but fear has its grip on me.
How can I endure the onslaught of this piercing light, when a moment under its beam has completely sapped me?
Sapped and free, how can they go together?
No strength of my own and no burden to bear, does it work?
My doubt does more than give me pause,
it makes my feet itch to run...
and yet there is a strange appeal to the warmth of this light.
I have compensated for the dreary of my corner by putting on protective layers,
it is the life familiar to me...
interrupted in moments like this when there is no denying that the layers are sudo, warmth contrived;
synthetic warmth that allows me to exist, just exist
while the light beckons me to LIVE.
Do I have a choice?
Clearly I do as time and again I have inched back form the light into my corner,
layering again with clothing that I can see now is to my shame and not a protection from it.
Here I am,
Strangely warmed, tenderly wooed... I want to live,
but finding it again to be so counterintuitive to my modus operandi I must let go,
let die the life making of my own attempts
Devastated, undone, weary ... here i am.
You who are light, love, life
Too long I have lurked at the edges, convinced of my satisfaction with the indirect light...
making life in the shadows where I can add my own vestiges.
Here at the center I want to let go,
my pattern is one of retreat,
Will you still love me with abandon, I who am abandoner?
I am too fickle to offer you forever,
all I have to give is the me of this moment,
trusting that there is something about your light that can anchor my soul, still my wondering feet and eyes.
I want to be yours wholly, here in the light,
That you love me here in my most intimate created form, my nakedness
I am yours... and I hear you say you are mine.
Here... now... I am still.... you are.
