Neighbor Love & Self Love

Had a conversation today that stuck with me.  Part of the reason it stuck was because of the convergence with a few books I have been reading.  In Henri Nouwen's book Spiritual Formation he offers a model of life with priority for solitude, then community, then ministry.  Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove's book Becoming the Answer to Our Prayers also talks about the need for prayer and community as necessary to engaging the needs of the marginalized.  The conversation today included a reference to Jesus' summary of "all the law and prophets," Love the Lord with everything you are: heart, soul, mind and strength.  Secondly, but not separate from the first one, love your neighbor as yourself.  As if we can avoid loving others as we love ourselves.  We can't.  The framework for love we adopt for ourselves, like it or not is THE framework we have for love.  Highly self critical = highly critical of others, shame yourself = shame for others, grace for yourself = grace for others.

I won't deny the appeal of believing my framework for others is really different than my framework for myself.  I'd like to think I have tighter control on the rigidness with which I evaluate myself.  But honestly that rigidness is splattered all over the way I think about and see others.  I can't even spare the ones I love most.  I don't want to give the same "pep talks," I give myself to my wife or son.  Which leads me to an anecdote that makes me smile.  Yesterday Kai and I were getting ready to leave and I couldn't find my keys.  Under my breath I said, "Come on Andrew."  At 19 months old, Kai is a little parrot and wasn't far enough away to miss my mumbled exasperation.  "Come on Andrew," was really quite cute coming out of his mouth... even if it was repeated 20+ times on the way to meet Mel at her office.  At the time I was impressed that he had made the connection between Andrew and daddy.  In light of today's reflections I see it quite differently.  Yesterday's incident was really quite lighthearted, but the implications for the future are a bit more weighty.  Even if he is not there yet, it won't be long before he is perceptive enough to know that when he can't find his jacket or his shoes that I will be thinking "Come on Kai," and he may in fact have learned to say that to himself.  Disgust and shame are too heavy in that tone for me to wish him to carry it.... now or later.  How can I help but to love him only as I love myself?

Though this seems a simple example it holds something much bigger in scope and points to a beginning point which I must give my full attention.  If I want to love well, whether that be those dearest to me or a person I meet on the street, I must attend to loving myself.  I have a few ideas about how I can do that, but honestly I am not devoting the priority to it that I believe it deserves.  The practice of solitude and prayer in which I know all the more deeply who I am and whose I am seems like the foundation here.  Sure, getting proper sleep and exercise and keeping margin in my life are all there too, but it must begin with the attention to the voice of the one who calls me beloved.  That is where I find my true identity and the affirmation I need to love and be more gracious with me..... and eventually my neighbor too.